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RPGLand.com takes run at US presidency, makes campaign promises

By Heath | November 4, 2008 at 6:17 am

In an unprecedented move of pure awesome, fueled partly by hope, partly by rage, but not at all by non-renewable resources, RPGLand.com is officially running for president of the United States of America in 2008.
“Forget McCain and Obama,” said Heath Hindman, Editor in Chief of RPGLand.com. “RPG Land can turn this country around economically, to say nothing of protecting it from giant meteor attacks, which I haven’t heard either of the prime candidates mention in their speeches.”

RPG Land, also known as RPGLand, also known as “some website that I used to visit,” has officially issued campaign promises that Americans would surely take interest in.

On Unemployment:
RPG Land will find jobs that provide sufficient gold for every family. We are 100% certain that there is a cave just outside of most towns, which, lately, has been absolutely crawling with monsters. RPG Land could task most, if not all, willing workers with defeating them, which will pay at least a liveable wage.

RPG Land realizes, however, that not everyone is cut out for this. Not to worry; for the inexperienced, let’s say “level 1” types of combatants, there are always rabbits in the field one can start with before taking on cave beasts. For the old and wary, RPG Land is full of magic skill to learn. We’d find a way to make this skill publicly obtainable.

On the Economy:
Some just can’t do combat. There’s an easy fix, and it just happens to be one we need: item shops. With the new jobs created by monster hunting, tens of thousands (if not more) workers will need healing and buff items every day, to say nothing of the possible business ventures of running a pub or inn. Selling items or managing an inn is easily doable for almost anyone, and they’ll be real economy boosts.

On Universal Health Care:
RPG Land has a solid plan to put save points in every major city, cave, forest, travel station, and big castle type place. The significance is that we have the technology to heal all HP and even recover status ailments at save points. RPG Land will enact a law — and furthermore, assist businesses in following it — to include save points at every inn, as well. These will all come without tax increases.

On Gun Control:
RPG Land will not “take your guns way,” nor will it allow gun-based crime to run rampant. You see, everyone has an affinity for some type of weapon, even if they don’t realize it. RPG Land will put in motion programs that allow individuals to figure out if they are best equipped with a gun, a sword, a staff, or any of various other weapons, including magic. Likewise, after some research and development, everyone can be fitted with proper armor. Weapons are already in the world, and it’d be impossible to take them all away at this point.

Studies in battle have shown that in most cases, killings aren’t even done with guns anyway, so that’s not the problem we need to worry about. Once all citizens are on an equal playing field, crime will decrease for sure.

On “Spreading the Wealth Around:”
In an RPG Land America, in general, people will keep their own earned income. Once in a while, however, people — usually teenagers — will be on an important quest and need things from your house. Please just let them in and let them take stuff from well-placed boxes. It sounds communistic, but you’ll be glad you did it.

On Homeland Security:
Cannons, dude. Huge cannons.

But What Party is RPG Land?
Screw you, it doesn’t matter. Our “party” includes white guys, black guys, asians, mutants, cats, bears, and any number of people pulled right out of anime. It’s loveable by all, don’t worry.

It’s a long shot, but RPG Land is confident it has what is best for everyone. Today, get out and vote, and when you do, vote for RPGLand.com as your next president.

Topics: Humor, News