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Final Fantasy XIII Second Opinion

By Janelle | April 1, 1999 at 11:07 am

Final Fantasy XIII

PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360

Reviewed: 4/01/2010

XBOX_360_OWP_v4.5.indd Square Enix released Final Fantasy XIII last month to a bevy of complaints and praise.  It’s a game that is very hard to put a finger on, but many have tried.  The story’s wonderful, the story sucks.  The battle system is awesome, the battle system is terrible.  How can so many people become so confused about one game?

Well, it’s quite simple…

When the players in Japan can get their copies mighty early,
Then the anxiously awaiting North Americans get surly,
Then the sneak-peaks and impressions start to roll in from the east
So the internet starts boiling and the fervor is increased.

And then…
When a player starts it up, the opening leaves him feeling bitter,
And some mere one-hour impressions start to pop up on his Twitter,
He cries “This game is linear, and these maps are kind of boring,
What happened to my good old Final Fantasy exploring?”

It’s because…
In order for the game to reach the series’ former glory,
The developers decided their priority was story
They streamlined, chopped, and nipped and tucked to speed the tale along,
With extra cinematic parts to keep momentum strong.

The tale’s about a struggle of two worlds, very different.
Cocoon above, Gran Pulse below, with struggles intermittent.
The heroes are the chosen ones of Pulse’s sort of gods,
Which means (of course) the characters are facing lousy odds.

There’s Lightning, cold as ice, and Snow, the peppy hero dudebro,
Who’re joined by pilot Sazh, whose afro holds a wee chocobo,
And teenage Hope, a quiet boy who’s sad he lost his mama,
Who quickly turns to anger, with a flair for extra drama.

Plus Fang and Vanille, very different people from the rest,
Whose origin the story does not much more than suggest.
The cutscenes are superb and push the limits of the media,
But information’s scarce: you need the game’s encyclopedia.

The whole game has a fast pace like an action movie does,
The battle system’s snappy as a system every was,
The story moves too quickly for a stop at any towns
A choice in the design that led to many players’ frowns.

So the good parts and the bad parts make a cocktail quite confusing,
And reviewers’ wide variety of scores can be bemusing,
To argue the linearity has points both good and senseless.
That the graphics are incredible’s the only real consensus.

-Theodore Geisel

Score Breakdown
Out of 10
See our Review Criteria
Gameplay Tubble-toozing
Story Wonder-woozing
Graphics Ocularousing
Sound/Music Phonoblarting
Replay Value Confoddling
The Verdict: ???

Topics: Final Fantasy XIII, Humor, Reviews